In my experience, the main reason that people lie is to escape punishment. Children learn this skill at a young age. The first time Avery ever lied to me, she was about three years old. The most severe punishment that I doled out at that time were time outs. Once I caught her in the lie, I had to teach her the wrongness of lying and that sometimes it was harder to tell the truth but the punishment would always be less severe.
Recently, Avery has been coming home from school with cuts on her new clothes that were obviously made by scissors. I don't know about you but this really bothers me. Clothes are not cheap! Each time Avery is questioned about this, she says that someone in her class did it but she wasn't sure who it was. Today we had a breakthrough and figured out the culprit.
While I am at work, Mike is left to do the housework, cooking and homework and deal with whatever the latest drama in Avery's world is. He does it well and I love him for it. Today he called me at work to tell me that I should get in touch with Avery's teacher because her new shirt had been cut and this was getting ridiculous. When he had questioned her about the culprit, she stated to him that she didn't know who it was. Maybe it was Andrew, or Aiden or ever Ava.
I told him to put her on the phone and I asked her the same questions Mike did. She gave me the same answers but this time when she started naming children I said "Are you sure? Remember to be honest because whoever is doing this is going to be getting into trouble. I am calling your school tomorrow." I also reminded her that she gets in less trouble when she tells the truth.
That is when the tears started and she informed me that she was scared. I asked her why she was scared and she said that she didn't want to get in trouble. She then admitted that she had cut her shirt. So now I am left with a few things to think about.
1. She told me the truth after being reminded about honesty and that other children would get into trouble. So how can I punish her for lying when she told the truth....even though she maintained her lie for several minutes.
2. She cut her clothes but she admitted it. How do I punish her for this while still rewarding her honesty.
3. I don't want to come down too hard on her so that next time, she may be more comfortable coming to us with the truth.
If we punish our children for lying after the admit to the truth, we are not teaching them about honesty. If they are honest right up front, the punishment should reflect that.
We have been giving Avery an allowance based on the chores she does each week. After telling me the truth, I thanked her for being honest and told her that we would talk more when I got home from work. When I get home, I plan on taking the $2.50 she has stashed in her room, from her allowance, to pay for the ruined shirt. This may not seem like much to an adult but to her this will be a big deal. I plan on talking to her again about lying and telling the truth and hopefully then she will see the light. I feel that these are the right decisions and that she will learn her lesson.....hopefully I am right!
you are definately right. Children need to learn that there are consequnces to their actions. Sticking to natural consequences (mess something clean it up, wreck something pay for it or work to pay it off) works best.
ReplyDeleteTry examining why she is cutting her clothes...could it be that she is seeking some kind of stimulation that is missing? Given that it is happenning in school, is she getting bored, is hse not challenged enough or conversely challeneged too much and losing focus?
I still think that talking to a teacher would be a good thing, strategies can be put in place to manage whatever is causing this behaviour.